TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely away from put. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Of course, positive, let's have A different location wherever American Guys can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump Trump Tower Damascus should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You recognize, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Great tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from House, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever company could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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